The jig is up!
What is in the camera bag you ask? It’s a canon.
No matter the time & distance I put between my bad memories I still see dead people. Come to think of it I don’t believe I have even had a dream that wasn’t based in my hometown since leaving. To be dead to me does not necessarily mean they have passed on. It can mean to play a big role in my life then to suddenly be gone. For the past two days I had dreams about best friends. People I don’t believe I’ll ever see again. Afterlife is more a hope than an actuality. My dreams are just a little too vivid. For that small period of REM, normalcy is resumed. I’m as happy as life could let me be. It’s weird because if I was having a bad dream and say the police were after me for something, I’d become aware and talk myself out of the dream and wake up. I only wish I had that power in these scenarios. As much as I enjoy being in their presence at the time, the sudden wake up is like brand new death. Good mourning.
I said “forgetting you will cost me less in my soul than it’s currently costing to have contact with you and you be all nonchalant”. Not the kindest words but that’s pretty much how I felt. I mean you have to amputate limbs there and then, not make a 1 inch incision by the day. Just give me all the pain at once. I’ll have to deal with it I guess. I was in a scenario where I was watching a loved one dwindle away on a life support machine & knew they wouldn’t be the person they once was. I had to turn it off. The ‘Manifesto’ blog I wrote a few months back, that was probably half the reason I left. This I’d say is the other half. I kind of hoped being elsewhere full time & seeing new places wouldn’t leave room for the bad memories but I guess we just can’t escape our subconscious. Even when you’re awake there are daily triggers. Unless your mind is fully occupied by something, you spend your time stepping over the ‘bear traps’. That in itself is a reminder. Just knowing what your avoiding. Thats why I be like “fuck Rihanna” lol. That’s why I say I have to be fully occupied. Like I think of my cousin daily & it will be multiple times throughout. I look at my tattoos, I see triggers. I think of things we did; I think of the actual scene. All triggers for depression. Probably in doing this for the last 6 years non-stop it doesn’t cause me to feel down as much. It’s like I’m becoming numb to the depression it causes. It doesn’t mean I miss him any less though. It’s a difficult one to explain. Strangely enough I ALWAYS without fail wear something blue in remembrance. Could be something as little as part of my socks but only somebody who lives with me would know that.
The biggest trigger I can’t get over is his daughter. He chose me as her godfather. I’m supposed to be the guy who is there for her now he’s no longer here. I took on that role without being up to the job & I never thought I’d be called off the bench. If I’m not occupied in her presence I well up like a little bitch lolsmh. At the time I remember looking at her young age as being a silver lining to the situation. She was too young to fully understand it all. I’m upset for her. I have to keep it in though & referring back to my first ever blog; too much time has passed for me to be allowed to cry publicly. I’d look like a madman. I suppose writing about these topics doesn’t help paint a good picture but whatevs lol. I used to write as my way of getting my point to my friend without having to shout when we’d fallen out. She’d read them & let me know when we were talking again. No longer the case, I dunno if I’m a good writer but I’m good with analogies so I like to put them down. Maybe people can relate or others just like to read my soap of a life lol. I seem to have got a good response from them either way. Plus it’s kind of my own therapy for my unresolved grief for the dead & living.
I’m missing my older brother too. I talk to him a lot but when I’m home & I’m down, being around him makes me feel stronger. He gives me something to aspire to. As small as the age difference is between us, the difference in strength is immense. I’m talking mentally of course; I’d kick his ass even if I had the flu but I just let him live lol. But seriously, he’s like superman to me. Come to think of it he’s probably what everybody else’s dad is to them. He took over the role when my mum had gone as far as she could go when it comes to females raising men. She did a damn good job might I add. I try not to burden him with my issues though as life as a superhero must be stressful enough without me adding to it, right? You know what else? I think I think too much lol. But yh I’m straying.
So my other friend who’s no longer here, I spend my unoccupied time avoiding triggers. Certain music, movies & places were all things I didn’t want to be around. There’s even people I don’t follow on social networks as we’d be somehow connected via the 6 degrees of separation. It’s easier that way. I just went away with my mum and out of all the places I’ve been of late, this was my best holiday I’ve had. I even got to see an old friend while I was there. It truly is a small world. But in between the smiles, the nice views of beaches & stuff trigger the thoughts of “it would be nice if she was here too”. I can’t be arsed to go into the ins & outs of where it went wrong but that’ll come eventually. One therapy session at a time lol. I’ll leave you with this though:-
“It is not the experience of today that drives us mad; it is remorse or bitterness for something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring”
PS. The logo on the t-shirt has a bit more of a meaning if you look deeply
I just spent some time going through every post I have ever liked on tumblr hoping to find a pic so I could reblog it. Didn’t find it lol. The pic was of 3 kids from Kingston in the 70’s. If I didn’t see it on here then god knows where it was but I would have liked to have posted it alongside this. Kind of similar from my latest trip. I didn’t even tell them to pose. I was snapping candidly when the runt at the front of the pack tapped one of the elders & said in the deepest voice, “look, ‘im a tek wi picture” lol. They then proceeded to throw up their w’s for Waltham, Kingston.
Ps. If I ever find the pic & the photographers name I shall post it
Baseball is boring! It’s cool though, I got to rest my legs for a bit lol
Repost minus the story